Helpful Tips From Your Department of Homeland Security

I really wish I knew who to give credit to for these but I don't. I received these in an e-mail today and the entire staff was laughing so hard we were all crying. Very clever and funny. I did go to the website referenced --- and these pics do exist. Enjoy!

The US Government has a new website, www.ready.gov displaying public service symbols for terrorisim readiness, in the tradition of the old "duck and cover" campaigns after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few guesses about what they mean.









A one-inch think piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one.










Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.









If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.









Austin is radioactive. Move to Houston.









If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, it is a psychological terror attack. Cower in the corner or run like hell.









If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.









After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions; watch your head.









Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.









Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.









The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap and water and at least one armless hand.









Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.









Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f*** away.









If your building collapses, cower under a desk and kiss your ass goodbye.









If you spot terrorisim, blow your anti-terrorisim whistle. If you are bald, yell really loud.









If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.









Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you.









If you lose a contact during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.









If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.









If a door is closed, karate chop it open.









If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.









If your lungs & stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.