Will Durst's 2005 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t

For former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, who says he's thinking of running for the presidency in 2008: Second thoughts.

For hotel heiress Paris Hilton: A yearlong sabbatical in Kazakhstan. Actually, that gift is for the rest of us.

For Bill O'Reilly: A four-day, all-expenses-paid trip to the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco.

For Gavin Newsom: A copy of the unrated version of "Requiem for a Dream," so he can see what sexist and offensive really looks like.

For Hillary Clinton: A new best seller entitled "It Takes an Impeachment."

For the Democratic Senate: The gumption to continue the fight for the rights of minorities. Even if the main minority they're fighting for these days is themselves.

For San Francisco Police Chief Heather Fong: A sense of humor.

For Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: One blessedly quiet year in a Donald-Rumsfeld-free zone.

For the Democratic House of Representatives: A spine.

For George W. Bush: An approval rating higher than his average test scores in college.

For televangelist Pat Robertson: A "Clue Train" Fast Pass so he can ride for free for 30 days.

For Supreme Court Justice nominee Samuel Alito: A Harriet Miers Swimsuit Calendar.

For Cindy Sheehan: Whatever it takes to prompt more cries from Rush Limbaugh that she's just a political tool.

For Harriet Miers, Bush's personal lawyer who called him the smartest man she ever met: A round-trip ticket to anywhere she wants, as long as it's not Texas.

For Vice President Dick Cheney: A five-gallon tub of sneer removal.

For Barbara Bush: Fewer photo-ops (and I only remember one).

For Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens: Permission to drill for oil in his own butt.

For the King of Pop Michael Jackson: Enough sense to stay the hell in Bahrain.

For California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: A shoehorn necklace to assist in his chronic foot-in-mouth disease.

For all members of our armed forces currently involved in this mission to extricate our oil out from under their sand: A safe return and, yes, that does include our mine-sniffing dolphins.

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